Informed Advice for Prince William on the Arrival of His First Child
Are you as excited as I am about the yet-to-be named Royal Baby?
OK, I'll admit it. I'm not British. I know absolutely nothing about the British Monarchy. I saw that movie about the king who stuttered and thought it was alright, I enjoyed "Shakespeare in Love" and awkwardly watched a couple boob filled episodes of "The Tudors" with my mom once. BUT! I've seen plenty of movies with kings and queens and English accents, which I think have given me a pretty good base of knowledge on how things work with kings and queens and stuff. With that said I figured I should probably hop on the Royal Baby Bandwagon and offer some fantastic advice to the royal family as they welcome their first child. You're welcome England.
1. Get the Castle Ready
If I know anything, it is that castles are really dangerous places. Suits of armor everywhere, swords hanging on the walls, secret passages, dungeons! I get that it is important to have these things on hand in case of siege warfare, but it can make your home very dangerous for a child. If you must keep all the pointy hardware out, consider putting foam covers on the tips of the swords and arrows. Instead of always keeping it ready and on hand above the gate, make boiling oil as needed. Oh, and put one of these on the door that goes to the dungeon. That should be a good start.
2. Be Sure to Consult the Royal Wizard/Advisor.
Babies cry a lot. They alternate sleeping and yelling every few hours. There are normal ways to deal with this like continually holding your baby, and lightly bouncing and singing. You can also change the baby's nappy, burp the baby, and make silly faces at the baby. All of these strategies work. But you are a prince, and you have things that princes have! So ask your wizard. If he's not currently busy plotting to use his magic to overthrow the kingdom and usurp the throne, ask him if he has any make-your-baby-stop-crying magic. I wish I had had a wizard when my kid's were born. Use him.
3. Dragons are Bad for Babies.
I know. You like killing dragons. It is what princes do. That needs to be done now. Your younger brother can take care of the dragons. You have a kid, and swinging a long sword whilst wearing a Baby Bjorn is incredibly difficult. Part of being a dad is acknowledging that you may not be able to do all of the things you enjoyed doing before your child was born – at least for a little while. Once your kid stops being an adorable yet vulnerable pile of cuddly meat, you can start teaching him/her to fight dragons, and eventually you two can do it together. Just maybe start with lizards or something less fire breathing.
4. Avoid Deals with Witches
Your child is being born with more advantages than nearly any other child in the world. Just because some weird soothsayer tells you that catastrophe is coming doesn't mean you should start signing contracts with your blood. This never works out the way you want it to. The thing she said was going to happen always ends up happening anyway, and anything positive you thought you were getting from your witch deal ends up turning sour. How about this, just don't talk to witches. They are bad news. Stick with your wizard.
5. If it is a Boy, Don't Let Him Become Like this Guy.
I hate this guy. Everyone hates this guy.
Hope this helps!
Love, Dad (John)
P.S. All in good fun folks. Really though, congrats to the royal family on their new arrival. I was totally kidding about the items above, especially the wizard thing. Don’t ask him for advice, he is not to be trusted.