Dear Daddy, Time Doesn’t Heal Grief. A Letter from Your Little Girl
It has been 10 years since you left this earth and a huge hole was fastened in my heart. I’m not the new blushing newlywed that I was – losing you only 4 months after our wedding made our first year of marriage a turbulent one. Those first few days, weeks, and months were so hard to deal with after your sudden and unexpected death. The grief blinded me and I don’t remember a lot of that time. I’m sure it was a coping mechanism my brain used to help me function through those long days and nights. But we pushed through – you were right to like Ben and bless our marriage. He has been a supportive husband and father. Yes, that is right; you now have 3 beautiful grand kids: 2 boys and a girl. Our oldest even has your namesake.
Yet the past decade has taught me a lot – not just through the masters’ degrees I earned – but through understanding that life is not all rosy. I know you wanted to protect me from the evils in life, but the truth is, we can’t keep our children from reality and I got a hard dose of it when you past away.
I’ve also learned that the idea that “time heals all wounds” is a bunch of crap.
Time doesn’t heal – it just helps numb the pain a bit. Grief isn’t like other wounds that heal over time. It just continues to fester and when you think you are done with the pain, it strikes again. Each birthday, holiday or family event I think of you and how you would have loved to be there with us. But those are just the obvious times. The times that other people may expect me to be still grieving. It is the simple things each day that make it a challenge and remind me that grief is never ending. It is those times that only those that have suffered lost can truly understand. It's when I hear a classic rock song on the radio...or watch a movie I know you would have enjoyed...or see a little girl holding her father’s hand...or witness my kids playing and realize they will never know their Grandpa. It is all the times that I would have called you for your advice or just some reassurance on who I am, where I’ve come from, and where I’m heading. It is every day that I would have called you just to say "hi." No, time has not healed all those wounds and in some ways, it has even made them worse.
Even as a professional working mother in her 30s, I’m still your little girl, craving the assurance of your presence. Time moves on, and I have moved forward with it, but I still miss you and I always will because no matter how much time passes, the grief remains.
Your Little Girl