My Weight Loss Journey: Fear of Failure
Life has a way of bringing us to our knees when we least expect it. As I have shared this incredibly difficult journey in the past few months I was certain that I would have immediate success. Thinking that I had thousands of accountability partners there would be no way I would allow myself to crash and burn. Once again I was wrong. The fault lies completely with me, nonetheless, I am sitting here having not met my weight loss goal by my birthday. The goal was ten pounds and I am sitting at minus six pounds. Looking on the bright side, I celebrate the fact that it is still a “minus” and not a “plus”, however, I long for the day that I can be rid of this weight for good.
The desire to look better is not as strong as the desire to feel better. I am just so tired of feeling this way; but what is it that keeps me where I am? What is holding me in this rut of uncomfortable shame? I believe it is fear. One of my biggest fears is failing and one would think that I would work even harder to succeed. However, somewhere in the midst of my clouded thinking I find myself filling my fearful thoughts of failure with empty calories and excuses as to why I cannot stick to the commitment of healthier living and weight loss.
In order to achieve success I must be willing to do the work and when I do the work I will achieve success. This is such a simple straight forward concept, however, in my own mixed up emotional brain it seems easier for me to pretend that I am doing all that I can. Letting go of the fear is the first and most important element to success; or at least that is how I view it. Allowing myself to be vulnerable and admit I need assistance and then accept it would fall in at number two in my book. What I need to figure out, however, is what is it that I need help with and how am I going to go about seeking out that help.
My knee hurts a lot, I struggle with sleep and I am just plain tired; so why would I be so afraid of success? It’s not the success I fear it is the fear of failing that I struggle with. Here I am documenting my journey, attempting to achieve a tremendous goal and I am so afraid that I won’t succeed and will be a disappointment to those around me; to those who follow my journey.
Failure is defined as something less than that is required: something that falls short of what is required or expected or somebody or something that fails: somebody or something that is unsuccessful. So who wants to be pegged as a failure? Not this girl. Do I believe somehow subconsciously that by staying where I am, hobbling through the next 40 years or so is better than trying and failing? After all I could actually succeed and wind up a healthier, happier me; which is what I really want to begin with.
What’s next on my weight loss journey? The holidays are fast approaching and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that over the next six to eight weeks I will fight the internal battle between my food addiction and my desire to continue on this journey and lose more weight. Is it actually possible to lose weight during the holidays? I hope so. I have an appointment to receive a cortisone shot a few days before Thanksgiving, which should ease the pain and allow me to move a bit more freely. I may even start taking a few baby steps on the treadmill again. Either way, I will trudge through this journey hoping and praying that with each day I can find the courage to stay somewhat on track, kick my fears to the curb and achieve success. After all, I’m the only me I’ve got and I really need to take care of myself.