5 (Real) Reasons I'm Not Getting in the Pool
Well party people, the time has come. The sun is out, the skies are blue, the kids are home from school (oy vey) and the water is waiting. For you. In a bikini. Or tankini. Or bathing suit. It. Is. Calling. For. You.
Well guess what? I'm not goin' in. No seriously, I'm not getting in the pool (with YOU) this summer. It's not even about body image (kind of, sort of... ok, maybe a little). It's about a slew of other reasons that one might not immediately think about when it comes to said rectangular grave of blue chlorine water. Here are some of my top reasons:
1) Strays. There. I said it. Stray hairs. As in, stray PUBIC hairs. I consider myself a consistently and carefully groomed woman, however there are a few days of the month that my nether regions should see nothing or no one. EVERY woman knows what I'm talking about... and if you wax regularly like me, you have no choice but to wait until there's ample length for which to rip from your loins. Therefore, if you invite me over to swim during that precious few days of purposeful growth, I will have no choice but to decline the offer to swim. Trust me, everyone is better off this way.
2) Bad BANG-age. Some people have bad baggage, I have bad bang-age. Pool bang-age, that is. Get my bangs (that I've had literally since the first grade) wet - and it's not a pretty scene. My hair looks mullet-y and like the upside down wigs we used to do on purpose in the pool when we were 8 (you know what I'm talking about??? Pretending to be George Washington…). It's so unsexy it's not even funny. AND I only wash my hair once a week and chances are I washed and curled it before I came to your little pool party SO getting it wet really would just be a wash. Figuratively and literally, of course.
3) Adjustment issues. At a very early age, I knew my boobs were destined for one direction and one direction only: DOWN. So when you start to think about the physics of a bikini (string, bandeau, etc), you probably can understand that doing anything other than laying flat on my back on a chaise lounge will cause some major adjustment issues. I will have to futz with my bathing suit, a lot, to make sure boobs are in place and everyone is not uncomfortable with the inevitable exposure that will take place. My point: My boobs are better off in a bra. On dry land.
4) I'm Hungry. Coming in a close second to Superbowl, which I love simply for the chips and dips, is a pool party which I ALSO love simply for the chips and dips. And margaritas. I'm like perfect party guest because I WILL eat at your little fiesta. Therefore, I'm most happy on the sidelines watching the guys grill, eating some carrots dipped in ranch (yah, right. Eating chips and salsa) and watching the brave folk swim.
5) HE can't swim! So here's the deal, my son doesn't know how to swim yet. Granted, he's only 4.5, but he's completely PETRIFIED of having to go under the water. Therefore, he clutches on to me or anyone he's with and DOES. NOT. LET. GO. This means that I cannot fix my hair (see #2), re-tie my bikini that will undoubtedly fall (see #3), and finally, miss out on all the food. (See #4). Of course this leaves my boyfriend or another adult responsible for taking my son into the pool... Luckily, none of them seem to have "adjustment issues" or the strays situation to worry about. They will, however, miss out on the food factor.... Oh well. At least my hair looks good.