If Your Husband Cheated On You, Would You Want a Detailed List of His Lovers?
My initial response to reports of Allen Iverson's estranged wife Tawana's demands ordering him turn over all his financial records – and to “give the name and telephone number of every person other than your spouse whom you have had sexual relations and/or intimate physical contact from the date of the marriage to the date of trial", as just a bit over the top. Why would a woman want to hear the lurid details of her husband's sexual encounters with other women? What kind of closure could she possibly garner by finding out about these women?
Personally, if my husband were to have a long list of women with whom he cheated, the thought of meeting them seems like it would only further crush my spirit. I'd probably just end up obsessing over every last detail of their physical and emotional makeup, comparing it to my own. I'd probably end up falling short in the interim, because I think any of us can find flaws and often covet the features we don't possess. I'd probably think-- did he have an affair with this woman because her nose was straighter or her butt tighter. All the features that I felt insecure about would simply become magnified in these other women. And in the end I'd probably end up feeling such a sense of self loathing. And then there's the whole not being able to take back the past, and so seeing these women would just be huge concrete reminders of my husbands' transgressions, and the fact that our marriage would ultimately never be the same.
On the flip side, I empathize with Tawana and I too might want to contact these women to reprimand them and to tell them how worthless they were for engaging in an affair with a known married man who was also a father. I'd want to publicly humiliate them- I would not want them to silently fade away. I'd want to pin scarlet letters on their chests and make sure everyone knew these women were partners with my husband in dismantling the union we once had. But clearly any woman who gets involved with a married man has issues of her own, and major character flaws and a conscience that allowed them to engage in an affair. So ultimately, would confronting these women be worth my time and effort? And then of course these women did not act alone; an affair is a two way street.
I think when you are feeling so raw and wounded you want to lash out and punish everyone who has put you in this predicament, and has shattered the world you attempted to carve out for yourself. So I'm torn; on the one hand I might just want a list so I could call them all and tell them to go to their doctors to get checked for genital warts. But on the other hand I think finding the closure and peace I needed would not come from them, it would ultimately come from within me.
More on relationship woes:
- Happy Endings Never End Happily...For Us
- Top Tips for Getting Along With (Not Killing) Your Ex
- How to Know When You're Too Old for Phone Sex