Polyamorous Married Sex: What Do We Really Know About It?
I'll be the first to say this; I can't imagine being in a marriage in which my husband and I slept with people outside of our union. Perhaps it's because I am not evolved enough and I am not secure enough in my own person that I cannot possibly fathom another woman touching his bare flesh. Or maybe I am just jealous and worry that exposing him to another woman's sexual feats would make our sexual encounters pale in comparison.
I also know I got married so that I could finally get out of the race and step off that proverbial treadmill to find someone to whom I would pledge my love and that for as long as we both could "handle it" it would be just the two of us. I vowed NEVER to have sex with another. And frankly I'm more than okay with that vow. And yet there is this whole segment of our married population who are living a polyamorous lifestyle, and well, their ability to have sex with people outside their marriage and still stay strongly convicted to their spouse- it kind of blows my mind. How can a couple sustain a marriage under those circumstances, how can they be with others sexually and not have it interfere with their primary relationship?
As part of my mission to uncover what goes on behind the closed doors of married couples, I had an opportunity to get up close and personal with a polyamorous married couple who wanted to dispel some rumors about their chosen lifestyle, and they granted me some no holds barred access into their lives- under the condition that they could remain anonymous. I have to admit their answers had me viewing monogamy and polyamory within the context of a marriage in a new light.
Why have you chosen this alternative married sex life style?
Because it seems impossible to believe that one person can completely satisfy all the needs of another person, emotional and otherwise. We love each other and trust each other enough to allow for the freedom to find that missing piece (or pieces) instead of demanding they live a less than fulfilled life.
Can you be out about it with your family and friends?
We don't flaunt it, but we don't necessarily hide it. How we handle it also depends on who we are dealing with. My mom is a very conservative Christian who never understood. However, my 23 yr old daughter is aware and understands as well as my brother.
Do you feel it's an unfair stigma placed on you as well as other couples who choose this married lifestyle?
Somewhat, yes. Because being poly is so socially out of the norm from the monogamous minded population, it is often unimaginable to them. People tend to believe we love each other less if we are willing to allow our spouse to love someone else. I think it means we love each other more for the same reason.
What are the four biggest misconceptions about the sexual married life you have chosen?
1. Being polyamorous is the same thing as swinging. It is not. Swinging is typically casual, short term and non-committal. Being poly is realizing you can love and commit to more than one person. If you have a child, you will love that child with all your heart. When you have second child, can you not love that child with all your heart as well? Different as night and day they may be, but you love them tremendously for who they are. Love is not finite.
2. If someone chooses to take a submissive role in a relationship, they are a doormat. So untrue. The real power in any Dominant/submissive relationship lies with the submissive. Some people find joy in taking care of their partner and some find their joy in being cared for.
3. Enjoying a good spanking must mean you were abused as a child or have mommy/daddy issues. So untrue. I have no scientific back up, but the ratio is probably no different between incidents of childhood abuse in the kink community as there is in the vanilla sector.
4. If a man enjoys taking the submissive role in the bedroom, or enjoys his wife using a strap-on, he must be a closet homosexual. In general, a man who wants this from his wife is man enough to ask and enjoy it.
What are the benefits of this sex life and do you feel it is sustainable for a lifetime of marital bliss?
Wow, yes. The benefits are that there is the possibility for ALL of our needs to be met. We have to find the right fit, which is a challenge. But when you do, there is an extreme sense of balance and less pressure to be everything to another person.
So, do you think could you do it? Could you take the polyamorous married sex life plunge?
Behind more closed doors :