When Small "Packages" Happen to Nice Guys
It is an epic tragedy ripped from the pages of Euripides and Sophocles combined: Nice guy. Small, er, package.
This dilemma recently became the dinner topic on Girls Night Out, when one of my friends realized that after months of building a friendship with a very nice guy--a friendship not clouded by sex--she realized that he was working with a very small package. She went through with it but was crying at the end for all the wrong reasons. Which is sad because we've heard her gush about this "great guy" for months, but she is divorcee and a bad sex marriage survivor and refuses to compromise in the package or performance department.
Now, to be fair, some men will tell you size doesn't matter. They are lying. That's the stuff guys with small packages say. They spew nonsense like, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean...Whatever! A tugboat does not make waves, fellas. Sorry! Meanwhile, there's a whole industry dedicated to making their packages longer and/or fatter.
So we felt her pain--although apparently she felt nothing that night.
I love that my girlfriends and I don't accept bad sex or worse, bad sex excuses. But how much should the package and performance matter? I suggested that maybe he was willing to work with props. Or as my friend's 85-year old father likes to say (way too often), "Well, if you can't cut the mustard. Lick the jar!"
Ahh, the wisdom of the elderly.
Personally, that's why I bring back first base. And then second or third. That allows you to somewhat examine the goods, feel the merchandise, so to speak, before the big purchase. And quite frankly, I'm a little disappointed that my friend didn't try to feel out the situation--I mean that literally--before going for the Full Monty. Does anybody listen to me when I'm offering up my sage advice???
Meanwhile, since that night, I've been left in a philosophical quandary trying to figure out if nice guys are nice because they have small packages and need to over compensate in the "nice" department or do small packages happen to nice guys because it just doesn't matter to the other millions of women-- clearly not the ones at our dinner table. But other women, who haven't been empowered enough to say, "Where's the rest of it?"
Either way, I voted for the 3 pumps and a dump solution. That means give him 3 times to bring his sexual performance A game and if he still hasn't cut the mustard or licked the jar to your sheer satisfaction, then it's time for the dump. Post-divorce life is too short!
Is that harsh? Have you ever dumped a guy for a small package?