Notes From My Kid
My daughter is six. She got a joke book as a gift, and loves nothing more than to rattle off a knock- knock tale (or sixteen) to a captivated audience.
Or a gaggle of Teddy Bears- she’s not a diva.
But the funniest things she says aren’t out loud.
You see, ever since she learned how to write, she’s written copious notes to family members.
Sometimes they’re delivered to me with great ceremony, and I’m scrutinized as I carefully open the envelope decorated with “MOM!!!” “Mommy “ “Daddy’s Wife” or, one of my personal faves, “Mrs. Maines”.
Other times, they’re left by the wayside as she moves on to other pursuits- for me to come across at a later date, a time capsule of a moment in her mind.
I’ve been digging out our basement this month (post-holiday organizing- you know the drill) and her epistles have broken up the grunt work.
I found one yesterday that was sealed extra tight and addressed to me with at least sixteen different salutations.
I opened it, hoping it was one of the happy ones, and not the kind I get when we’re having broccoli with dinner.
If it wouldn’t crease it up so much, I would keep it in my back pocket for the rest of my days.
I love you so much that if my hair was on fire and you were the only buckit of water on Earth, I would not pour you out.”
Wow. Just wow. It was funny to me for a few reasons.
Because she’s inherited my genetic trait of preparing for the moment when hair may catch on fire.
Because she thinks about emotions and people so much, conjuring ways to express what they mean to her.
Tonight, I was presented with a very neatly printed list of family member’s names, with lines drawn next to them, as if for signatures on a contract.
“Sign here, please, ” she said, sounding for all the world like our FedEx guy.
“What am I signing? “ I asked, which I never ask the FedEx guy, scrawling my usual chicken scratch.
“It’s for my birthday party in two months. I want to make sure I spell everybody’s name right,” she explained.
“Hmmm. Not sure if mine helped…” I said, squinting and trying to read my own name. Lucille? Laverne?
She reached for her clipboard and patted my midriff.
“Are you losing weight?” she asked.
“Absolutely!” I said, (The ONLY proper response to that question- make note.)
“I thought so- you have a flat part.”
Occasionally heartbreaking funny, occasionally pure genius- I love that kid.
And I’m going to write her a note with lots of hearts and check boxes on it to let her know just how much.
The half-hour unscripted series “Seriously Funny Kids,” hosted by supermodel and supermom Heidi Klum will debut on Tuesday, February 1, at 9 pm et/pt on Lifetime.