The Oscars: MY Real Acceptance Speech

If, that is, WHEN, I win an Oscar (for Best Actress, Screenplay, Director, Costume Designer, Foreign/Live Action/Short Film, Sound Mixing), I imagine there will be many, many people I'll need to thank. From producers, agents and studio executives to the oh so wonderful crew who "golly, make work just such a pleasure to come to everyday," there will be a lot of gushing and a lot of gratitude that I'll be spewing. 

As a little girl my favorite thing to do was pretend that I was accepting an Academy Award... With a British accent (don't ask me why).  Needless to say, with an imagination as big as mine, it should come as no surprise that even as an adult, Oscar season brings up these memories and fantasies... In fact, the other day, I found myself, post shower, giving an acceptance speech right into my bathroom mirror. Granted, I said it while plucking my eyebrows (hey, even in fantasy land, I'm time efficient), but the essence of what could go down as the most memorable speech was there...

I reach the stage.  The audience is still standing. My performance as a brilliant Queen who inspired a nation with stories (that no one knew were hers) and married the man of her dreams was that incredible and my dress is that fabulous...

I put my hand up as if to say, then actually say,

 "Thank you. Thank you." 

Shaking my head, I uncrumble a little piece of paper in my hand. 

"I... I... I... thank you. I prepared a little something, because my son asked me not to sound like a 'stupid lady' when I got on stage so.... yeah, we're working on poor language choices still... I think he knows I'll never be Queen...." 

The crowd laughs. I'm delightful.... If I do say so myself. 

"Wow. Seriously, this is an incredible honor. Thank you to the Academy for this tremendous acknowledgement. Working on this picture...." 

Yes, I say 'picture. That's what true film stars say... 

"...Gave me the chance to work with the most genius filmmakers. Steven, Martin, Ang.... Thank you. To everyone at Universal, my team at CAA, the dedicated crew who so graciously tolerated those cold days and nights in Scotland, thank you. To my sweet, sweet friend George..."

Pan to the ever gorgeous George Clooney.

"You are truly a king. Being your queen was a thrill and delight, and frankly, this role gave me the opportunity to make so many friends from the past jealous. So thank you for that..."

The audience laughs. George winks at me. The dryer goes off....

"To my handsome--"

I get a text. Coincidentally, it is actually my handsome boyfriend. I continue my speech...

"To my handsome boy--"

"Mooooooommmy!" a voice calls out from the other room. "I have to go peeeeeeee peeeeeee...."

The awards ceremony is over. Back to reality and answering "Target!" or "Forever 21!" when people ask me "WHO" I'm wearing.... Someday, I hope to finish this speech. I even hope to say it on a stage. In a gown. For the time being, though, I'm just happy my brows look normal again. Talk about acceptance...