Roll me Over, Baby's Coming Out!

Birth doesn’t SOUND funny, does it? (Unless you say it out loud three time, and then it kind of does. ) And it sure as heck doesn’t SEEM funny when you’re in the middle of it. But looking back, there are moments that can draw a smile, or even a guffaw.

With my third baby, born four years ago, I was feeling pretty cocky. The second one came out without a hitch at a maternity center, three hours and done. I hadn’t even had time to get into the soaking tub I so desperately wanted to claim as an experience. (Not as a water birth, though those are cool too, but just to HANG OUT.)

So, Bebe 3, how hard could it be, I figured? I always ran late with babies, so when my husband reminded me he had a trip to Russia scheduled two weeks before my due date, I greenlighted it. The trip had been in the works before I was even pregnant, and I didn’t want to be the one to tank it.

The night before his departure, we walked around and ate Indian food (though not simultaneously) in an effort to get the baby born before he left. It SEEMED like a good idea, though it hits me now: he probably wouldn’t have left me with a two-hour old.

Water still intact, I put him on a plane and set into nesting. It was easter weekend, and my mom and MIL watched with alarm as I did Every. Single. Dish. In my mother’s house.

But the baby hung in there. I picked up my husband at 9pm on Sunday night, and, great, amazing wife that I am, I promised to take the older kids to school in the morning. We passed out.

Of course, you know the rest. I wake up at 5am in some pretty serious labor. “Honey???” I whisper. “Honey??? I’m really sorry, but I’m so not taking the kids to school... we gotta go have the baby now.”

“Haha, NOT FUNNY.” Came from under the pillow, at which point my saintly patience fell by the wayside and we busted a move for the maternity center.

We’d spoken to the midwife on call en route, but beat her there due to DC traffic. The receptionist fluttered around nervously, saying, “They TOLD me they’d tell me where they kept the babycatching gloves some day, but I don’t know yet…”

“Just please, START THE WATER.” I said, determined to not miss my window of bath this time. (I did get in there for two minutes, then decided I hated it.)

The midwife got there in time, and two hours later, I yelled, “ROLL ME OVER! THE BABY’S COMING OUT! GRAB A LEG, YOU! SURF ON OUT, LITTLE BABY! YEEHAW!!!”

And he did!!! All 6.6 pounds of him.

You gotta admit, that's pretty funny.

Tune in to the new unscripted series "One Born Every Minute." Premieres Tuesday, February 1 at 10 pm et/pt on Lifetime.