5 Things I Want for Father's Day That Don't Exist, But Should
1) A get out of tantrum free card. Here's the thing - my kids are awesome until they aren't. When they aren't awesome they are REALLY not awesome. But there is this moment, this five second twilight in-between where my daughter goes from "I broke my string cheese in half while getting it out of the wrapper" to an emotional reaction equivalent to "My dad just executed my pony in front of me". During this moment, if I could just pull out a “Get Out of Tantrum Free Card” from my back pocket and say, "Can we skip the floor flailing this time honey?" I would be the happiest dad ever.
2) A magical put you-in-the-mood wand. You know that little sigh of frustration your wife makes when you ask her to rub your back? Or the little eye roll just before you ask her to rub your back. Or the hissing ugh sound she makes when you ask her to rub your back? With a magical put-you-in-the-mood wand you could wave it at her and she would magically want to rub your back. Just be sure you actually have a magical put-you-in-the-mood wand or she might think you're threatening her with a stick – which is bad.
3) A monkey butler that knows how to make ice cream. Sure, there are regular monkey butlers, but what good is a monkey butler that can't make you a fresh batch of mint chocolate chip ice cream? No good at all. A monkey butler that doesn't make ice cream is basically just a monkey in a tuxedo that might bite your face off. Then you have no face AND no ice cream, and Father's Day is RUINED!
4) A hoverboard. Seriously. Where the hell is my hover board? I was promised a hoverboard by someone, sometime around 1989 and I have yet to even see a prototype. If my two-year-old really loved me she would quit making adorable painted hand prints and start developing antigravity technology specifically for the purpose of me grabbing the back of a pick-up truck and escaping bullies while singing Huey Lewis and the News’ "That's the Power of Love." And YES I know I'm combining the first and second movies, but it's my day and I will live my hoverboard fantasy however I want dammit!
5) More time. Honestly, all joking aside, I just want more time. I get home at six and my kids go to bed at eight. That and the weekends is all I get. I'm missing it. They're growing up so quick and I'm missing it. The other day my daughter asked me if I had friends at work.
"Yes honey. I have friends at work."
"Am I your friend."
"You are my best friend."
"Oh. You're my best friend toooo."
And there you go. Stupid tears. I would trade an army of wand wielding monkey butlers riding hoverboards just to spend a little more time with my best friends. At least I'll have Sunday.
Happy Father's Day