An Open Letter to the Mom Who Threw the Baby Wedding at My Public Park
Dear Fancy Mom,
Congratulations on marrying off your one-year-old. What a spectacular wedding you threw at our public park, complete with tablecloths, floral centerpieces and a team of event planners in matching uniforms. Wait, that wasn’t a wedding? It was a child’s birthday party?
Oh, then girlfriend, we need to talk. I get that “mom-petition” is fierce in Los Angeles, but I did some math: your massive balloon displays were delivered by that shop in our neighborhood where a single Mylar frog goes for $20 (learned that one the hard way). You had four pairs of human-sized mushroom clusters. I’m guessing that set you back about….a year of preschool tuition.
And let’s talk about your theme: Alice in Wonderland’s tea party. So cute! For a 6-year-old. I’m sure your baby is a huge Lewis Carroll fan and all, but she hasn’t even tried cow’s milk yet, much less tea. Hey, I won’t begrudge you a cute theme—let’s just be honest about which party guests you’re trying to impress. (Hint: not the ones wearing diapers.)
My real question is, if you had the resources to throw an elaborate, themed party for 75, don’t you have a backyard at your beach house? Why set up camp in the public park? More people to admire your vision? Better access for the paparazzi? Because for those of us doing our usual Saturday morning routine, it was a bit of an inconvenience.
Let’s start with the fact that you completely blocked the entrance to the duck pond, which is kind of what Space Mountain is to Disneyland – the best part of the park.
Then there was your crack team of planners who took it upon themselves to act as toddler bouncers. When my kid saw those giant inflatable mushrooms and dared to extend her hand, she was chastised, “Don’t touch the balloons. They’re for the birthday girl.” Which she totally understood, because 2-year-olds are great at impulse control. Works every time when I say, “Don’t eat that cookie, it’s Mommy’s.”
Likewise, when my friend’s child sat on one of your adorable polka-dotted toadstools, another clipboard Nazi shooed her away, scolding, “No, no, not today.” Was your event planner being genuine? If not that day, when? I’m pretty sure those toadstools weren’t going to be there tomorrow.
We toddler-moms teach our kids that if they bring toys from home to the park, they’re going to have to share them—park rules. When you set up such an enticing display in a highly trafficked public area, it’s not nice to give the neighborhood kids a hard time for wanting to share.
I only had a chance to witness the party set-up, Fancy Mom, so I hope the event went well. And by that I mean I hope you looked amazing (isn’t that what’s most important?), got tons of compliments and thoroughly freaked out all the other moms who wondered how they could ever top your masterpiece.
For more outrageous "mom-petition", watch "Pretty Wicked Moms" on Tuesdays at 11.10c!