Just for Me
Medals for Moms! The Olympics of Parenting Get Underway
Please note: This is merely a partial list of the events available to licensed, documented mothers during this summer Olympics. The roster of Winter Olympics events is still being finalized and is under review by the IOC.
Juggling (Liquids): Qualifying participants will be able to somehow sip a skim latte while feeding a baby (nursing or bottle-fed), repeatedly retrieving a tossed aside sippy cup from older toddler, while pushing a double stroller though a crowded grocery store.
Juggling (Materials): In this event, the phone is ringing, the baby is crying, the 1st grader is whining, the TV is blaring, the doorbell just rang, it's way past dinner time, and you see 5 new text messages on your phone. Plus, your Words with Friends games are really heating up. In the final heat of the event, this scenario is repeated at least three time in a short period of time.
The One-Armed Carry: Athletes will hoist a wriggling child and/or one who is playing dead (read: boneless, limp), while also trying to get a stroller out of a hatchback. Keys, wallet and handbag must say in one arm or over one shoulder at all times without ever touching the ground. Participants must be wearing a dress or wrap-style shirt--but must not allow excess skin to burst forth. Illegal parking and clipping of key-chains to belts will result in immediate disqualification.
The "Having-It-All" Slalom (the Cupboard Edition): This event is carried out over the course of three days, wherein the mom who manages to unearth, or have in "stock" exactly the precise items of grocery, hygiene and entertainment on hand will take home the gold. More toilet paper when there's not a square otherwise to be found in the house? Your little one's beloved snack cracker? More craft paper? Dry Erase marker for the dry-erase board? An extra juice box or five for the impromptu play date? No substitutions, no rain checks. The more well-provisioned your shelves, drawers, 'fridge and cupboard, the higher the points.
Downhill Sleeping: A crowd favorite, for which tickets can be scarce. Top contenders not only go without adequate sleep, but are forced to complete feats of strength, agility, alertness, and concentration throughout the following day: navigating roads, applying makeup, typing briefs, three-hour-conference calls. Again: any evidence of doping (aka caffeine) will result in expulsion from the games.
Sleep Training (Relay): In this two-competitor event, parents will tag-team throughout efforts to sleep train a six-month-old child chosen by lottery. Available methods include: Ferberizing (aka "Cry It Out"), the "No Cry" solution, no particular method (aka your "instincts"), and hodgepodge methods (aka you can't quite decide). First couple to argue, break down and cry, bring the baby into the bed is disqualified. Event occurs in heats over two weeks.
The 50-Yard Dash: A simple sprint involving a small child atop a jungle-gym, preparing to leap. You will be timed and judged on grace, calm and efficacy.
What's your sport of choice? Where would YOU bring home the gold??