Put Yourself Back on the List? I Can't Find the List!
I have been fighting a nasty funk lately. No...I do not have a body odor problem. Thankfully. But I do have a case of the mommy blues. And these blues are compounded by the fact that I feel guilty even admitting this because I have the most amazingly beautiful and loving 18-month-old little girl, a good job and our health.
But what I don’t have is enough time, enough hands, enough money. And constantly navigating those shortfalls is exhausting. In fact, as I am writing this, Ellie is pulling at my leg and trying to climb up on top of me because she just wants her mommy’s attention. So another ounce of guilt gets thrown on top of an already substantial pile, and I end up more exhausted and more depressed. I feel like I was adequately warned about post-partum depression, but no one told me that you may feel completely burnt out at 18-months.
This is hard. Being a mom is hard. Being a single mom is hard. Being a single mom, working full-time is hard. Remembering doctor’s appointments, and diapers, and milk, and shoes that fit, while trying to plan for preschool, and buy gifts for Christenings and birthdays and holidays, while finding time to do laundry and mop the floor and pay the bills, while working at least 50 hours a week, while giving Ellie all of the time and love she deserves…I am crying just writing this all down because I feel like I am so close to failing. Failing at being a mom, and failing at being a professional. And constantly feeling like I may fail is really depressing and exhausting – like I haven’t had my morning coffee times 10,000.
I came very, very close to forgetting my best friend’s birthday today. She has been there for me through ever thing. EVERY THING. She planned an amazing weekend when she was in town to celebrate my birthday and Mother’s Day – and even went dumpster diving for my wallet after I accidentally threw it down the garbage chute. And I was about 6 hours away from forgetting her birthday. I never forgot the date of her birthday…I just forgot what day today actually is. And add a few more ounces of guilt.
When people say to me gently, with a slight head tilt, “You’ll feel better if you find time to work out. You need to put yourself back on the list…” It honestly takes every ounce of self-control I have to refrain from screaming, “PUT MYSELF ON THE LIST?!?!?! MOST DAYS I CAN’T FIND THE F**KING LIST!!!”
I know. That’s not nice. I only have people in my life that really want the best for Ellie and I. I am being a bitch. Yep…throw on a couple more ounces of guilt. I could go on, but I won’t, because I know that you just like me, you are very busy too – so I will wrap this one up. Usually my posts have an element of resolution. This one will not, because I am still working through this and learning to accept that this is my new normal, and that, as a very profound fortune cookie said, “It could be better, but it’s good enough.”