The 10 Biggest Secrets I Keep From My Kids
Hey guys, it’s me, Daddy, and I’m only writing this post because you can’t read, you don’t know what a blog is and because you’re still in that developmental sweet spot where you take everything I tell you at face value.
Your old man is full of secrets, things that could destroy my authority if you ever found out. Here are 10 highly classified facts that I will take to my grave… or at least wait to tell you until you have kids of your own.
1. TV is a reward for me, not you.
There’s a reason I never promise you TV for being good. When you’re behaving, I don’t need to turn on the TV. Overall, you guys are terrific company… but when you’re not, that’s when TV comes to my rescue. Those 22 blissful minutes of “Yo Gabba Gabba” are my reward for getting through the crying, whining, fighting meltdown madness that’s become a recurring feature of your toddlerhood.
Here’s the big secret: if you want more TV, you should act out more. You know how sometimes I’ll pop popcorn and we’ll have a “movie day”, where we get to watch all of “Beauty & The Beast” or “Toy Story” from beginning to end?
When that happens, you’ve been BAAAAAAAAAD.
You can never know this, of course, because that would encourage you to misbehave. So I have to be clever about it. I always make sure to calm you down first, so you don’t know that I’m only turning on the TV because I’m on the verge of tearing off your Tickle Me Elmo’s head with my teeth.
2. While you’re napping, I shove my face full of chocolate chip cookies for two hours straight.
You don’t see me eat much, do you? It’s not because I don’t require sustenance like every other human being, though if it adds to your sense that Daddy is some kind of awesome superhuman, I’m fine with that. No, the real reason I never eat in front of you is because when you’re watching, I need to model good eating habits. You think I like eating vegetables and chewing slowly? Phooey!
I spend every moment in your presence suppressing my natural urge to shovel peanut butter M&Ms through my maw by the fistful. When you’re asleep, oh boy, do I make up for lost time. I practically funnel chocolate sauce directly down my throat. I watch lots of TV, too, and I sit as close to the screen as I want.