For The Children
A few weeks ago I was doing the dreaded swimsuit shopping awfulness, and had no choice but to take the kids with me into the battle. It was me vs. the swimsuits, and it wasn't going to be pretty.
I knew I was pressing my luck -- the kids can't handle stores for very long, never mind the dressing rooms -- but it was that or wear sweats to the pool (looking back, should've totally gone with the sweats...).
I'm pretty sure various threats were flying through the air in their direction, while I was simultaneously promising to buy them a bevy of lame toys if they would just sit still already.
Unfortunately, the being wild and yelling was the least of my worries. Because when I tried on my swimsuit, and they got a good gander at the hips and thighs that I always keep covered, honestly they were a bit dumbstruck.
I could tell they were like "whoa dude, we have never seen legs so white" and also "whoa dude, those legs are not skinny," all at the same time.
My middle child, darling little soothsayer that he is, said to me "Why are your legs so...KRINKLY??"
And then it hit me...my kids are old enough to notice my weight. Not that I am thinking they've never noticed that people are different sizes, but they NOTICED that "krinkly" legs were perhaps not normal. Noticed that there was even anything to notice.
Now don't get me wrong, my kids actually tell me often that I look pretty, that they like my outfit/shoes/hair/whatever. They are sweetness and honey and they notice those things.
They also notice other things.
The part of all this that really smacked me in the face was not that they noticed, but that they even had the *chance* to notice. Those of you who have a decent amount of weight to lose will understand: I wanted to be thin so that they'd not ever remember me not thin. I wanted my non-thin days to be when they were too young, and some day when they look back at pictures they'll be all "dude" and I'll be all "right??!!" and we'll talk about how you should not get depressed for 5 years because it's not kind to your hips.
I know there's still time, but I also realize that there's no time like right now. New mom, new photos. That's the me I want in their memories.