The REAL Reason I Didn't Opt for the Mirena IUD

I’ve been on the pill for what seems like 5,000 years. So when I started hearing some buzz about the IUD making a comeback, I decided it was worth investigating.  It’s funny – as a 40-year-old woman, I’m having a harder time figuring out my birth control game plan than I was when I was in my twenties.

In any case, my doctor explained that there were two options: ParaGard (hormone free) and Mirena (releases hormones). My takeaway was that ParaGard would make my period heavier and more painful – uh, gee – tempting offer but no thanks. And then there was Mirena which would make my period lighter and “spotty”.  Hey – nothing wrong with that.  Sign me up!

But then I hit the “mommy boards” and started reading about some of the side effects women were experiencing and my reaction sort of surprised me:

Mood swings: Mood swings? That’s nothing new to me – just ask my husband who cowers in the corner each morning, not sure which lovely side of my personality is going to greet him.  Mood swings I can handle.

Cramps: Eh – I’m a tough cookie.  The women complaining about cramps are wusses – these are the kinds of women who are always groaning about some type of ache or pain. I’m stronger than that.

Lack of period: This is a problem?

Bloating: Not the sexiest feeling in the world, but isn’t that what Spanx are for?

Decreased sex drive: I have two kids who don’t stop running around from the minute they wake up until they fall asleep at night. Don’t talk to me about decreased sex drive.

Trouble getting pregnant after taking IUD out: See above.

Acne:  ACNE? As in… teenage style breakouts?  F*** that!  I’ll stick to the pill!

So it was the acne card that did me in. The fact that some women said that they were so hormonal that they contemplated killing people (LITERALLY) didn’t sway me, but having blemishes on my face was too horrific for me to wrap my head around was really sad. I should be ashamed of myself. Wasn’t I raised better than that?

Whatever - I want to kill my family at least twice a day anyway – if I woke up with acne, they’d really be running for their lives.